Airline Jokes

If Airlines Sold Paint

If you are wondering how our airlines can go bankrupt read this:

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and > north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on our next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

Passenger wanted to take a very large box with him in the cabin.

Passenger agent politely explains item is too large and will have to be placed in baggage hold.

Passenger becomes extremely irate and argues the point.

Passenger agent retains his cool and repeats item is too large to be carried in cabin.

Passenger by this time gets angrier and angrier, thumps counter and shouts "There are other airlines you know and as far as I'm concerned you know where you can shove yours!"

Agent, still very polite, replies, "Well Sir, if you can do the same with that big box you can take it in the cabin."

Airplane food....

Thanks George.

• How can you tell a Papermakers car at the deer camp?
  Its the truck with the front side clean.

• Q: How many paper machine operators does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
  A: Usually at least three.
  Q: Why?
  A: The day-shift operator first screws in the light bulb. The evening shift operator repeats the process so that the tightness of the bulb in the socket will be the way "they like to run." And so on for the graveyard shift.

• A single-engine plane was carrying a pilot, a doctor, a lawyer, and a vendor of papermaking chemicals. The pilot announced that the plane did not have enough fuel to make it to the airport. "Watch me," he said, "so that you will know how to put on your parachute and jump out of the plane." With that, the pilot jumped out of the plane and floated down to safety. The passengers soon discovered that there were only two remaining parachutes. The doctor said, "Certainly I should be one of the two to get a parachute. Just consider the number of lives that I save every year." The lawyer said, "In this particular case it is even more important that I be a survivor, because someone has to be able to bring a lawsuit against the air service for being so negligent as to run out of fuel. As a result of my work I will be preventing hundreds of accidents just like this one." The wet-end chemical vendor said "Relax, there's no need for any of us to jump. I spend half my life in planes, so I'm sure that I can fly this thing. Also, I just put a 4-ounce sample in the fuel tank and I can promise you that the efficiency of this plane has increased by a factor of two and we will land with fuel to spare."

• Just by coincidence there was another single-engined plane carrying a pilot and three passengers. Only this time the pilot was accompanied by a brain surgeon, a rocket scientist, and a professor of papermaking technology. The plane was carrying plenty of fuel. But the pilot announced that there was a total system failure and that the plane would crash in ten minutes. She demonstrated how to put on a parachute and how to jump from the plane. The passengers then discovered that there were two remaining parachutes. The brain surgeon said "My skills are so badly needed by society that certainly I should be allowed to survive." The rocket scientist said "The future of mankind depends on the progress of my research; we are on the verge of finding a way to transport people to a planet that will become a new home for the human race, and we must finish our work before we have worn out the planet Earth." The professor of papermaking chemistry thanked the other two for their great contributions to mankind. "But, he said, I have a plan based on the research findings of my own studies. I will jump first with both parachutes and I will open both of them. When you two jump, you will be retained on the tops of the two open chutes."

• A wet-end starch vendor noticed that a particular paper machine superintendent liked to nap in his office. When asked, the machine superintendent pointed out that he was busy watching the video monitor. He was able to clearly see the monitor from the couch in the office. "How did you manage to get a couch in your office, asked the starch vendor? Until today the only 'couch' I had seen in a paper mill was pronounced 'cooch,' and it was a vacuum roll at the end of the forming section on a paper machine." Pretty soon everyone in the mill had heard the story. The next morning the mill manager said, "From now on I want you to get off the couch in your office and pay attention to what is happening at the couch." The starch vendor raised his hand. "Please don't be critical of your machine superintendent. The reason that he doesn't have to come out of his office to check the solids at the couch is that you have been getting such fantastic drainage and process efficiency with the new cationic potato starch. Besides, this mill has helped my company to select a new brand name for this product. It will be called 'Couch Potato'."

   

>> The Kitchen Bitch
>> A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son
> playing
>> with his new electric train in the living room.
>> She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of
> bitches who
>> want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop!  And
> all of
>> you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the
> train...cause
>> we're going down the tracks."
>> The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that
> kind of
>> language in this house.  Now I want you to go to your room and you
> are to
>> stay there for TWO HOURS.  When you come out, you may play with your
>> train...but I want you to use nice language."
>>
>> Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resu! med playing
> with> his train.  Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son
> say... "All
>> passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip
> was a
>> pleasant one.  We hope you will ride with us again soon."
>> She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just
> boarding,
>> remember there is no smoking in the train.  We hope you will have a
> pleasant
>> and relaxing journey with us today."
>> As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who
> are
>> pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the
> kitchen."
 

NEW PRIEST
A young Catholic priest was assigned to an inner city parish. He was having a difficult time adjusting to his new surroundings, with particular difficulty in the area of confession. One day, after several hours in the confessional, he pulled one of the nuns aside and asked her about a word that repeatedly came up. The priest asked, "Sister Margaret, what's a hummer?" The nun replied, "A hundred bucks."

VOCABULARY LESSON
Little Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a leak." The teacher replied, "Now, Tony, that is not the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word urinate in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Tony thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a ten."

TURNED ON
Q: What do you call a guy who gets turned on by Pinocchio dolls?
A: A Gepettophile.

SWIMMING PROHIBITED
A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited. "You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him. He replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't."